As time gets closer, I’m not gonna lie.
I’m starting to panic, I am sweating, freezing, my heart is merely is my head, thumping.
I don’t like to have to depend on anyone but myself. As of now I don’t have a choice in the matter.
In less than 2 weeks, I may have a dream come true, I may not.
All I know is we haven’t been able to go to the park anymore, the museums, not the mall either. Less it is in and out.
Too much pain.
I know how my dad felt now. Year after year for 4 years he would randomly ask. “Will you let me go now?”
I would selfishly say, “NO” and selfishly add in, “We still need you!”
He would ask why I still needed him, I would reply”because I love you.” He told me that wasn’t a good enough reason to make him stay. So I would add “We need a zoo pass and I can’t get one without you.” To this response he would say “OK, that sounds like a good enough reason to stick around a little longer.”
Saying he couldn’t go because I’m on disability and couldn’t make it without him was the only way I was able to keep him around. I was selfish. I was angry he was sick, angry that I never had a chance in this, angry that I passed a mutated gene onto my son. Now my son? He gets angry too. Angry he can’t do the things he watches other kids his age do. Angry from always being in and out of the hospital. I get that way as well.
I knew Christmas of 2011 would be our last. I sneakily took a look at his legs.
They were black and hardened, very cold. I knew it was a short time before he left us. And wouldn’t you have it. Christmas Eve he asked me “Can I go home now?” I told him “Dad, just make through this new years and Armondos 4th birthday and I will let you go.” He asked with no demise “Do you promise me that I can go after his 4th birthday?” I replied solomely with my head tilted down and a tear running down my cheek”I promise daddy, I do.”
March came. Armondos birthday party was on March 10th,2012.
April 9th,2012 I went to the eye doctor.
Wasn’t suppose to be a big deal. I left the office in shock when I was told that I had glaucoma. I was scared, I have watched a lot of people in my family go blind from it.
I decided I would tell my parents after we had a nice dinner together as a family. I did, I am on 2 types of glaucoma meds now and my loss of sight has slowed, but I am having surgery in a few months. Dr. Said he is going to have to laser holes in each eye for me to keep my sight. Fine, no big thing, I have been in and out of surgery since I was 12 years old.
Anyways, back to the point. After I told my dad about my eyes he once again asked “What are you going to do when I die?” For the first time in my life I looked up, knowing I had been selfish and said “I am gonna have to let you go.”
He seriously asked me with a tear in his right eye “Are you going to be OK?”
I looked up and said “I’m going to have to be dad, I don’t have a choice, I will make it. You taught me well.”
That was the last time I talked to my father.
Getting this van is not for material purposes. It is freedom to me. It is freedom to my son.
If I can’t get us back and forth to our many appointments I am going to lose me, I will lose all sense of any self worth I have left. I need my son, he needs me, we need each other and we both are in and out of the doctor’s on a daily basis, as well as both of us being in and out of the hospital.
He needs the Autism center on a daily basis now. Yes, he is gifted. He is savant. If my son has any chance of growing up to be a fully functioning adult, I have to take him and pick him up everyday. Friday, he threatened an adults life at school. The school called, I told the principal, well why do you think he’s going into the Autism Center? He is only aloud to go to general education 2 hours a day. Now he is not even able to handle that.
I am grateful for my dad serving this country, I am proud of what he as a man did for. He lived his everyday life wanting to serve and help others in need. He IS my hero.
I am grateful that my community knew my father was apart of our community and a lifetime member of the VFW. As well as the American Legion, Moose Club as well as the Lion’s Club.
I am grateful that I have been given a chance, a chance at being able to get us from point A to point B.
I give thanks to my mother for putting up with me. As well as to my friends and neighbors that take me to and from hospital and watch my son when I’m there.
I give my life of thanks to our caretaker that gave his life and promised my father on his knees that no matter what state he was in at the time, he would always come to take care of us and make sure I and my son have what we need. But he don’t drive, have to laugh now.
He has watched over my son during my many surgeries and helps take care of me so I can take care of my son when we are in need.
It is hard sometimes when he travels to the Reservation’s, he is from Wounded Knee. So, he comes and he goes. This is our Native ways. But we never say Goodbye. We are bound together in sacred ways.
So know I put out there to the community as a whole, to the entire earth. “You lose nothing when giving to charity, you gain a lifetime of thanks, blessings, tax returns as well as more business.” Anyone that gives donations made to the VFW in C/O Dawn Piercy will receive a number too give to the tax man with your deductions. You get every dime back.
May God bless you in all you do. Aho,
Dahnah Meli Ageya YanSa DaWaToA
Be well. DoHiYa Mitakuyeoyasin (all my relations)
Dawn Piercy ©2014
And yes, I am still going to finish my syfy series. 😉
I can’t type, not on a computer nor typewriter. I have to use a speech to text program due to a tumor on my spine (non cancerous) and several herniated disc and plus, too much more.